Being with what already is
instead of trying to control life around you

Control… such an interesting concept. What are we truly in control of? The mind thinks in ways that assume a level of control that we don’t actually have.

I often hear people talk about “feeling out of control” –it seems each of us has some limit, some line that is crossed that tells us we are “out of control”. For one person it’s living out of the laundry basket of folded (or unfolded!), clean clothes that haven’t been put away yet. For another, it is the clutter on the desk that accumulates to a particular point at which time we “feel out of control.” Before we had children, many of us could feel more “in control” by catching up on sleep on the weekend, taking a nap on the fly, a last-minute trip to the movies to lift our spirits or distract us. As mothers, it is not so simple or convenient to spontaneously take care of ourselves this way. Perhaps we’re stuck with more “out of control” experiences than we ever had to feel before.

Truth is, as you know, we are always out of control—every single one of us. We hold onto the illusions of control we create. Can any of us say that we’ve been taught how to effectively deal with the fact that much in life is out of our control? It’s our human nature to avoid what we don’t like. Those of us who didn’t learn to be at peace among uncertainty and discomfort have naturally wanted to avoid uncertainty!

Given that life is constantly changing, and so much in life is unknown, life can be stressful. Remember when you were pregnant, or doing infertility treatment, or waiting for adoption, and there was so much you didn’t know, and couldn’t know? The stress was there for the taking: the stories we heard from others about their unexpected difficulties that we wondered might happen to us; the agony of waiting for prenatal test results as the mind constructed all kinds of outcomes; the ups and downs of “failed” cycles. The list is long for many of us.

Waiting to deliver was a kind of mental torture for me. I had no idea what labor would be like, I wanted to be well-rested, I wanted it to happen soon but was I ready for it to happen?? Every night (with each child!) during the last few weeks before giving birth I lay in the dark thinking, “What if it’s tonight?” Then those late-pregnancy, patterned Braxton Hicks contractions! My mind wanted to grab onto those for certainty: This means the baby is coming soon. Can’t anyone tell me when?!

We each have had different experiences. Perhaps you can remember what got your mind spinning out of control.

If we pay attention, we can begin to see that our minds are chattering away all day. Given the mind/body connection, our thoughts produce sensations in the body. Every thought, whether true or not, is a biochemical reality—the body responds. Our thoughts may be about hypothetical scenarios that only exist in our minds and yet they produce sensations in the body in the moment. We may experience excitement or pleasure as we think about something in the future that we are looking forward to. It hasn’t happened yet but our thoughts produce sensations we find enjoyable. Similarly, we may experience anxiety and fear, in the present, as we think our “what if” thoughts about the future.

For those of us with genetic predispositions to anxiety or mood difficulties, we may find our minds particularly entrenched in speculating and worrying about the future or hanging onto the past. But the present is really all that we have: Our response to what is true "right now" is all we can truly control.

“Being with what already is” is a skill many mothers tell me they want to teach their children: that they must do things they don’t want to (e.g. brushing teeth, taking a shower, putting away their things), they may not always find the situation they’re in enjoyable (e.g. long car rides, church services, homework), there is pain in life (e.g. shots, throat cultures, splinters, loose teeth), and being disappointed by what is (e.g. being sick and unable to attend a birthday party, a friend hurts their feelings). On "auto pilot" we can get in the way of our children learning about life as it is. Instead of allowing them to experience life as it unfolds, being supportive and encouraging as they experience these situations, we give our children alternative (not totally accurate) explanations, goodies to distract from the situation, and/or in frustration and anger preach to them to accept the situation better! We tell them to think about the candy they’ll get after the shot, or to that there aren’t any more popsicles rather than tell them they cannot have two for dessert. Just this moment means trusting that life is in motion, feelings come and go, experiences come and go, nothing lasts forever. If we stay with NOW it’s really quite manageable. Mothering gives us endless opportunities to practice just this moment with our children and for everyone involved to grow.