Me As I Am, The World As It Is

Mindfulness promotes acceptance and wisdom by bringing a kind of attention (present-focused, non-judgmental) to the way we actually live our lives, not the way we wish, or aspire, to live our lives.  It is not an intellectual effort.  This does not happen by saying to ourselves, in our mindfulness, “I know I shouldn’t feel this way; it’s so silly,” and then think that mindfulness will take away the thoughts and the subsequent feelings and angst.  Mindfulness is bringing full awareness to where we are—the feelings and thoughts that are here right now.  It’s not a magical way to love the moment, or be able to “look on the bright side.”

We can only be where we are, in the feelings and thoughts that are here now, despite our intellectual ideas about our lives.  I’ll try to give a concrete example… We might resolve to be gentler on ourselves, to give ourselves a break when we need it.  Perhaps we’ve been told we need to do this, or in calmer moments we’ve read something that’s resonated with us, “Oh yes, I do need to take better care of myself.”  The desire to do this might inspire us to make changes.  We may even be able to make some changes.  But, as we know, life is constantly changing, in unpredictable ways.  Things come up that make our intention more challenging to carry out.  

Our intention to be gentler on ourselves can be facilitated by our mindfulness practice.  It involves paying attention, in the present, without judgment.

“Jessica”, a mother of 2, has wanted to make exercise a regular part of her life.  She’s been successful for a few months now, after years of making grand plans (e.g. buying gym memberships and not going, making resolutions at the beginning of Spring to begin walking regularly, etc). “I haven’t exercised in a week, I’m tired—maybe I’m coming down with my child’s cold.  I don’t want to work out.”  A feeling of relief arises at the thought of getting back into bed now after spending her first 2 hours out of bed getting her kids off to school.   Guilt and fear follow the vision of a good nap, the “To Do” list is calling.  She sits herself down and notices her thoughts.   “Am I just trying to get out of exercise? Am I just not disciplined enough?  What if I just stop exercising like the other times I said I would make exercise a regular part of my life and then didn’t?”  She returns to the reality of her tired body as she breathes with the thoughts that go through her mind.  More thoughts, “But I’m always tired.  How come I always get sick but my husband doesn’t catch these colds? What’s wrong with me?”  With compassion she releases the judgment and heads for bed. 

Jessica used her awareness and saw the harshness and judgment fall away as she sat with her experience.   Part two may be a little trickier…Later in the day, after the nap, Jessica feels a bit better.  She’s left with an hour to take a shower, pick up the house, take the dishes out of the dishwasher, and whatever else she can squeeze in.  During these activities, her mind begins its chatter, restless and dissatisfied with the amount that is not “getting done.” The inventory begins in the back of the mind—she didn’t exercise today, or do that errand, or that work she wanted done by today.  Feelings of dissatisfaction and irritability arise, and perhaps she notices her clothes feel tight.  Now she’s annoyed with herself, “Why can’t I just be okay with taking care of myself by resting?!  Why isn’t it okay for me to be gentle with myself?” and the angst continues. 

To the “Jessicas” of the world:  I know exactly how you feel!  My practice has brought me here:  I try not to make it a problem that the mind is harassing me.   My achievement-oriented/striving mind is used to making problems out of discrepancies between what I want and what I can actually do; how I want to live and how I actually live; who I want to be, and who I actually am.  The big “I” is used to making big deals.  I’m experimenting:  What if I don’t?  I try instead to allow the thoughts and throw myself into the moment at hand instead.  In Jessica’s situation, where I certainly have been, I notice the reaction to the mind’s evaluation and come back to right here, right now, just this dish out of the dishwasher, then this cup, then this bowl.  Something shifts.  There is less (optional!) suffering.

As we endeavor to make changes in our lives, no matter how clear we are when we are inspired, the mind will do its thing:  judging, critiquing, evaluating.  We can make resolutions to change, and plans to carry it out, but life, particularly with children, is unpredictable.  Let’s not make it a problem.  We can continue to practice bringing our awareness to our experience.  The conditioning of the mind is strong!  It takes time and effort for it to shift. 

Me as I am, the world as it is…may you be free from suffering.

TAKE A BREAK!

I hope the title of this got your attention.  You may be like me, and many other women, who forget that they can stop and rest even if no one is suggesting it.  You don’t need permission, and I don’t suggest you wait around for it.  There’s always more to do; it’s a 24-hour job.

Around this time of year I know that I need to ask myself:  Am I caught up in thinking (on autopilot) that this or that must be done in a particular way, or on a particular timeline?  It is SO easy to be seduced into how I want life to be, rather than the way it actually is at this moment. 

Our minds can imagine “doing,” beyond the limits of our bodies. Life on autopilot can result in habitually acting on “good ideas” that then turn into things to feel guilty and/or stressed about.  We overschedule, or we try to cram too much in not enough time.  We’re chronically late or disappointed with ourselves.  We are irritable with our kids and then feel bad for being irritable.  We feel bad and then hate that we feel bad.   Often times we see, after the fact, that it we would have acted differently had we slowed down before jumping on a given thought/idea.

Wait a second!

We can stop, at any moment of the day, and use the breath to shift from doing mode to being mode.  We can choose to turn to the breath, be with some inhalations and exhalations, and align our attitude with the intention to be open and accepting towards whatever we experience.  In this way we begin to shift into being mode where we “watch” the mind, and observe the sensations and experience of our bodies.  What is present, right now?  Where is it present?  What thoughts are here?  What feelings are here?  Nothing needs changing or fixing--it’s all okay.  We don’t need to identify with the thoughts and feelings; we practice observing.  We practice not judging.  We disentangle from our reactivity to our thoughts and feelings:  we are not our thoughts or our feelings.  They are constantly changing and we are observing one moment in a continuous flow. 

Practicing in this way often leads people to feel things they may be holding at bay, like fatigue.  Mindfulness practice helps me to see what I need, which is helpful when I am caught up in what I “should” or “ought” to do.  It gives me a chance to make a wiser decision than autopilot mode. 

Before I got a real handle on compassion for myself, I didn’t really want to slow down because that’s when the judgment and helplessness would set in:  “I’m not living up to what I wanted to be/do!”  Regularly practicing mindfulness (allowing and letting be whatever comes into my mind without getting caught up in it) has given me the ability to be compassionate:  no wonder I feel so bad; listen to what my mind is saying!  By practicing stepping back to hear the expectations, the assumptions, and the fighting of what is happening, I am growing my ability to see how I make my own life harder and how to release the struggle. 

I’ll take the liberty to remind you, as I do myself, that sleep, nutrition, and friendly contact with others are crucial, and not just once in awhile!  Mothering is hard work, even if no one is talking about their struggle to you.  We can’t do everything our minds imagine or want.  And even if we could do it, there’d always be more to do!  There’s always something to critique, some way to find ourselves falling short.  Practice patience and kindness today.  Get some rest, eat something that fuels you, connect with someone. 

Go ahead; take a break!